hello everybody :) merry christmas :) i hope ya'll have had a good one.

s-x

"Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could."

-Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum: A Novel)

It feels like someone kicked you in the stomach, feels like your heart stopped beating, feels like that dream you know the one when you are falling and you want so desperately to wake up before you hit the ground but its all out of your control, you cant trust anything anymore, no one is who they say they are, your life is changed forever, and the only thing to come out of the whole ugly experience is no one will be able to break your heart like that again.

- The Women

I tried so hard to dig myself out but I was in too big a hole to escape now. The funny thing is, it's like you always kind of know that you're getting yourself into something that will end badly. There's always this instinctive gut-feeling telling you to stop now, save yourself before you fall too far in to make it out alive. But you never listen. We never listen. We're too content with the way things are going, convinced that everything is finally turning out right and happily ever after is just around the corner. But it's not. It's that belief; that's how we get stuck, broken, alone.

Life doesn't give you the people you want. It gives you the people you need. To help you. To hurt you. To love you. To leave you. And to make you into the person you were meant to be.

What we call chaos is just patterns we haven't recognized. What we call random is just patterns we can't decipher. What we can't understand we call nonsense. What we can't read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables. There is only the inevitable

- Survivor

“No matter what you do or say, there’s nothing you can do to make people understand you.”

- Kurt Cobain

Sex is never innocent. It’s intense, its passionate, and sometimes it can be life altering; but it is never innocent.

I think apathy is the easiest trap to fall into.
And I think the best thing a person can do to
avoid it is to stay passionate. Because the 
times of utter misery are so worth it for the 
times of complete happiness. Never allow
yourself to stop caring. Feeling too much 
is better than not feeling enough.

every step i take i leave a small piece of myself behind and soon there will be nothing left.

smile like you've got nothing to prove. no matter what you might do, there's always someone out there cooler than you. i know that's hard to belive but there are people you meet, they're into something that is too big to be. expressed through their clothes and they'll put up with all the noses you'll throw. and you won't even know that they're not sizing you up. they know your mom fucked you up or maybe let you watch too much tv. but they still look you in the eyes to find the human inside. you know there's always somethign in there to see the veneer, not everybody made the list this year. have a beer! make me feel tiny if it makes you feel tall, but there's always someone cooler than you.

i can't promise you i'll fix all your problems but i can promise you won't have to face them alone.

"I do believe in an everyday sort of magic -- the inexplicable connectedness we sometimes experience with places, people, works of art and the like; the eerie appropriateness of moments of synchronicity; the whispered voice, the hidden presence, when we think we're alone."

"You're beautiful and sad," I said finally, not looking at him when I did. "Just like your eyes. You're like a song that I heard when I was a little kid but forgot I knew until I heard it again."

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you."

Let him call, and don't answer the phone. This time, let it ring. Because he knows you're going to answer. And so he doesn't really care.Once he doesn't know anymore, thats when you have him.Let him forget. Don't let him have the satisfaction of having the certainty that you'll always be there waiting.Once he's unsure, he's yours

When I picked up the phone I realized that out of the billions of people on the planet, 
you were the one I wanted to speak to the most. It was like the deepest part of me 
took control and said what it felt, unafraid of embarrassment or rejection or any of 
that other stuff that normally leaves me paralyzed with fear. I didn’t think. I just was.

"I have no idea how he knows when I need him. We can go weeks without speaking, and then, when my blue moods threaten to turn black, he will show up and tell me my moods are azure, indigo,  cerulean, cobalt periwinkle and suddenly the blue will not seem so dark, more like the color of a noon-bright sky.
He brings the sun

hello lovelies. i hope you are well. heres an update. i told you i hadnt quit.

s-x

I nodded my head and took it all in as if it made sense. And in a sense, I suppose, it did. We live in a crazy world, and if you want to get through it with your body and soul even a little bit intact, you might as well be crazy yourself. It couldn't hurt. And it just might help.

-Kinky Friedman, Kill Two Birds and Get Stoned

Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Studies have shown that people convince themselves that they're acting rationally when making major decisions-- where to go to college, what to major in, who to kiss or not kiss--when they're really acting on unconscious impulses. The human brain simply can't handle all the complexities that life offers, so emotions kick in and end up making the call. And when that call blows, people don't understand why.

 -Megan McCafferty, Charmed Thirds

If we listened to our intellect we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go in business because we'd be cynical: "It's gonna go wrong." Or "She's going to hurt me." Or ,"I've had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore . . ." Well, that's nonsense. You're going to miss life. You've got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.

-Ray Bradbury

Once is a mistake. Twice is habit.

 You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it.

 -Sex and The City

"Nothing's right. Not when you know someone you love must leave too soon. The thought of losing a friend stings. The pain of losing a parent revisits you. The insanity of losing someone who has become your very heart slices you right in two. You can't eat. You can't sleep. Can't concentrate on simple things. All you do is wonder how you'll live without the necessary beat inside your chest. The weight of dread takes your breath away."

"You can’t just plan a moment when things get back on track, just like you can’t plan the moment you lose your way in the first place."

I hate those endless descriptions of a heroine's physical attributes. It really bothers me how in books it seems like the only two choices are perfection or self-hatred. As if readers will only like a character who's ideal--or completely shattered.

This isn't torture. Torture happens in small, dark rooms in countries with names you struggle to spell. This is just mildly unpleasant. This isn't heroism. Heroism happens in churches that are also schools, performed by teachers with no names and no place to stay. This is just a good deed for the day. This isn't loss. Loss happens on fields filled with poppies, in hospitals buzzing with flies, in distant deserts and late at night when there's no good reason for the phone to ring. This is just longing.This isn't important. Important happens on bent knees and is breathed on last breaths with hands clutched tight, hearts tighter. This is just a distraction.

"Book collecting is an obsession, an occupation, a disease, an addiction, a fascination, an absurdity, a fate. it is not a hobby. those who do it must do it. those who do not do it, think of it as a cousin of stamp collecting, a sister of the trophy cabinet, bastard of a sound bank account and a weak mind

You know what I think hurts the most? The feeling of being replaced. It’s like no matter what you did, it wasn’t enough. And no matter what you do to try and capture their heart again, doesn’t seem to work. And you’re suddenly left thinking that you’ll never be enough. And a sudden sadness captures your heart that never really leaves.

 — JoAnne Golden

Sometimes, running away means
you’re headed in the exact right direction

- Alice Hoffman

You say you love me in the present but you’re still living in the past. You tell me you love me but you refuse to forget. At night you have bad dreams. Sometimes you moan in your sleep. The truth is that I am nothing to you. I don’t count. What counts is the past. Not ours; yours. I try to make you happy; an image strikes your memory and it is all over. You are no longer there. 
–Elie Wiesel, the Accident

"Is it possible, do you think, to love two people at the same time?"
"I'm still hoping it's possible to love one."
-Grey's Anatomy

"Heard about the guy who fell off a skyscraper? On his way down past each floor, he kept saying to reassure himself: So far so good.. so far so good.. so far so good. How you fall doesn't matter. It's how you land

"People think they can just waltz into my life like they own the place. Like I don't already fucking live here. They rip up the floorboards, bang holes into the walls, break the windows, like I don't fucking want any privacy or some kind of stability. Like it's a fucking free-for-all in here."

You're no longer in front of me; you're in my veins, playing bumper cars with my arteries.

"It's not that she wasn't attractive; she was beautiful, but it was the way that she interacted. She was aggressively passive to the point where she would've intimidated any mitt that tried to catch it."

Maybe in five or ten years you and I will meet again,
straighten this whole thing out.
Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy.
But this is the distance and this is my gameface.

"Scarlet, before you go through this, I want to remind you of September 7th, 1988. It was the first time that I saw you. You were reading Less Than Zero, and you were wearing a Guns 'n' Roses t-shirt. I'd never seen anything so perfect. I remember thinking that I had to have you or I'd die. Then you whispered that you loved me at the homecoming dance, and I felt so peaceful and safe because I knew that no matter what happened, from that day on, nothing can ever be that bad because I had you. And then I, uh, I grew up and I lost my way. And I blamed you for my failures. And I know that you think you have to do this today, but I don't want you to. But I guess if I love you, I should let you move on."

Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

i feel more comfortable talking to strangers than people i know. i believe this is because chances are, i'll never see them ever again. and i feel i can say anything i want. they don't know my past, or what i've done; they can only judge me on who they're seeing right that second. i'm the person i am now, not then. people i know don't see the difference.

you know, it truly takes a lot to call someone a best friend, or even for that matter a true friend. there's a lot of time, and a lot of trusting to be done. there has to be problems in between to prove that you'll make it through.

"I wanna get myself attached to something bolted down.
So these winds of circumstance won't keep blowing me around."

people are particularly stupid today. i can't talk to any more of them
-gilmore girls

have you ever had a problem you had to keep to yourself? & you're trying, but it hurts like hell. wishing you had someone to trust, so you can let it all out, about the reason why you've been feeling so down. but when you reach out for help, you find there's no one but yourself. i know.

after it's over, be open & honest to your friends & family about how you are feeling. don't pretend to yourself, or others, that you are okay if you're not. also realize that you are allowed to be okay. you do not have to feel sad all the time or at all. talk to people instead of just holding it in & being moody. other people can support you, if they actually know what's going

We're so different. We're hot and cold, fire and water. I'm loud, you're quiet. I talk, you listen. I'm crazy, you're sane, but that's why this works. You fill in my missing pieces and I complete you, and I guess that's why, despite the questions and the challenges, I still believe in us and I still believe in this. And as long as we have each other, I think we'll be alright.
-Katrina Berning.

You are not boring or vain or simple or mean. You're colorful, complex, and have a beauty that's all your own. And for the record, you are infinitely nicer than they give you credit for.

"Every time you meet someone, make an impression. Make them think you're the hottest thing in the world.
Make them think they're gonna lose their job if they don't give you one. Look 'em in the eye and never look away.
Be confident and calm, be bold."

When you're feeling your worst, that's when you get to know yourself the best.

I don't think you're a slut. I've known you for five years and you don't sleep with a lot of guys, you just keep sleeping with this one. Half the time you wanna stab him with a steak knife, the other half you can't keep your hands off him. For you, that's true love.

"anger's not bad," he said. "It’s human. And anyway, just because someone’s upset doesn’t mean they’ll stay that way"

 -just listen

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. & you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. &, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... but the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

 - Bridget Jones's Diary

Well, by the time you see this, I won't be here anymore, and I know how much that sucks, for both of us. So seeing as how I won't be around to thoroughly annoy you, I thought I would give you a little list of the things that I wish for you. Well, there's the obvious. An education. Family. Friends. And a life that is full of the unexpected. Be sure to make mistakes. Make a lot of them, because there's no better way to learn and to grow. And, I want you to spend a lot of time at the ocean, because the ocean forces you to dream, and I insist that you be a dreamer. God. I've never really believed in god. In fact, I've spent a lot of time and energy trying to disprove that god exists. But I hope that you are able to believe in god, because the thing that I've come to realize, is that it just doesn't matter if god exists or not. The important thing is for you to believe in something, because I promise you that that belief will keep you warm at night, and I want you to feel safe always. And then there's love. I want you to love to the tips of your fingers, and when you find that love, wherever you find it, whoever you choose, don't run away from it. But you don't have to chase after it either. You just be patient, and it'll come to you. Don't be afraid. And remember, to love is to live.
- Dawson's Creek

Just because she likes the same bizarro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate

"Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap
are two very different things."
-Grey's Anatomy

“Can I stay for a little while?

“You can stay forever”

-Notting Hill

"I don't want anyone to tell me what I am, because I know who I am. I cuss like a sailor and I dance like a fool - you'll never meet anyone  quite as literal and illiterate at the same time."

“I am Godzilla, you are Japan.”

People aren’t either wicked or noble. They’re like chef’s salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict

"Little things. The thought of losing them makes them unbearably dear ... I only think of the sweetness. Simple things. The quarter moon, the taste of an orange. The smell of the pages of a new book

"And I learned what is obvious to a child. That life is simply a collection of little lives, each lived one day at a time. That each day should be spent finding beauty in flowers and poetry and talking to animals. That a day spent with dreaming and sunsets and refreshing breezes cannot be bettered. But most of all, I learned that life is about sitting on benches next to ancient creeks with my hand on her knee and sometimes, on good days, for falling in love."

"After all, reading is arguably a far more creative and imaginative process than writing; when the reader creates emotion in their head, or the colors of the sky during the setting sun, or the smell of a warm summer's breeze on their face, they should reserve as much praise for themselves as the do for the writer - perhaps more."

"For some of us, books are as important as almost anything else on earth. What a miracle it is that out of these small, flat, rigid squares of paper unfolds world after world after world, worlds that sing to you, comfort and quiet or excite you. Books help us understand who we are and how we are to behave. They show us what community and friendship mean; they show us how to live and die."

"There was such an incredible logic to kissing, such a metal-to-magnet pull between two people that it was a wonder that they found the strength to prevent themselves from succumbing every second. Rightfully, the world should be a whirlpool of kissing into which we sank and never found the strength to rise up again."

"Most people think things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. I suppose this is why people always want other people to say "I love you." I think just the opposite—that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them."

I know just how it feels
to think of the right thing to say too late.
- Robert Frost

“M’aime pour qui je suis”

Love me for who I am

The problem with the loneliness I suffer is that the company of others has never been a cure for it. I just need you.

The one thing I hate the most is saying goodbye. It's never been easy for me. I mean, how do you approach the concept of goodbye? Goodbyes are all different. Some are for a day, some are for a month. But others are forever. And the reality of forever is hard to accept. It's like, hey, I'm never going to see you again, goodbye. It doesn't feel complete. But I think that's what goodbyes are. They're incomplete and you honestly don't know how long the goodbye will last. It's a part of life.

it is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake

Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you on this earth. Sometimes you catch them. They can be the hands of the people you love. They can be your pets- pups with funny names, cats with ferocious old souls. The thing that keeps you here can be your art. It can be things you have collected and invested with a certain sense of meaning. A flowered, buckled treasure chest of secrets. Shoes that make you taller and, therefore, closer to the heavens. A suit that belonged to your fairy godmother. A dress that makes you feel a little like the Goddess herself. Sometimes you keep falling; you don't catch anything. Sometimes you fall, spinning through space, grasping for the things that keep you here. Sometimes you catch them, sometimes you don't. Sometimes, they catch you.
- Francesca Lia Block - Necklace of Kisses

"What are you scared of?" she asked and I said, "Nothing." and then I asked, "What are you scared of?" and she said, "People like you ." and it was such a relief to know I wouldn't be able to fool her for long.
- Story People

The grass is not, in fact, always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is watered. When crossing over fences, carry water with you and tend the grass wherever you may be.
-Robert Fulghum - It Was on Fire When I Lay Down on It

"If I have to choose, my son said, I'll take them all." "That's no choice," I said. "Obviously, he said, you've forgotten how choice works."
- Story People


I want you to know that about me. I scramble from day to day, hour to hour, and I seldom stop to ask questions, because when I do, I find everything in the world senseless, without reason, and it terrifies me. I am not defending myself; I am simply telling you this. I look at your way with wonder, but there is nothing I can say to you about it, except that.

And then I think, no, no, it was none of that. It was me—all along, I was the one who resisted. I wanted to hold happiness in reserve, like a bottle of champagne. I postponed it because I was afraid, because I overvalued it, and because I didn’t want to use it up, because what do you wish for then? That possibilty, that I was intimidated by getting what I wanted, is the hardest one for me to consider, which might mean it is the likeliest.

"nobody i like likes me as much as i like them.
nobody i think about thinks about me as much as i think about them."

No matter how much you screwed up in your life, you liked knowing that there were people out there even more stupid than you.
-Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult

That's when you know you've found somebody really special. When you can just shut the hell up for a minute and comfortably share a silence.

– Pulp Fiction

You have options. You can either continue to be miserable or you can just stop being angry at everyone and accept the way things are. Allow yourself to live.
-Ghost Town

There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.

Things I do possess,
sometimes they own me too.

Wouldn't it just rock and roll if liking someone meant they had to like you back? of course that'd be a different universe and something else would probably suck.
- pushing daisies.

sometimes we'll be piled on the couch wearing sweats, eating the kind of ice cream we like, watching our favourite TV show, and talking in the shorthand way we talk that nobody understands. And I'll realize that this every day, simple, no-big-deal moment - this is my happiness

life is like an hourglass. sooner or later, everything hits the bottom, and you just have to be patient and wait for someone to turn it around. Things will happen in your life that you can't stop. But that's no reason to shut out the world.
- Crazy Pete

distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. it's for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone, in exchange for a little time with the one they love. it's for those knowing a good thing when they see it. even if they don't see it nearly enough.

well, love is insanity. the ancient greeks knew that. it is the taking over of a rational and lucid mind by delusion and self-destruction. you lose yourself, you have no power over yourself, you can't even think straight.
- marilyn french.

"Love comes when manipulation stops.  When you think more about the other person than about his or her reactions to you.  When you dare to reveal yourself fully.  When you dare to be vulnerable."

We had said goodbye so many times before, but somehow our paths always managed to cross and we ended up in each other's arms. But now when we said this goodbye. I have this feeling that I will never see you again. And that really hurts because I know that we are meant to lead our own separate lives. And I honestly don't wanna cross your path in the future ‘cause I don't want all these feelings to come back and have to try and get over you all over again 

“It was then that I realized the importance of curves, of the thousand places where girls bodies ease from one place to another, from arc of the foot to calf, the calf to hip to hip to waist to breast to ski-slope nose to forehead to shoulder to the concave at the arch of the back to the butt etc. I’d noticed curves before of course, but I had never quite apprehended their significance”

-Looking for Alaska

feminism:the radical notion that women are people.  Paula Treichler apparently said this, and i like to think she was on to something. i think that, not just women, but men also, can do any job if they're determined enough. because thats whats key. determination. for example, i couldn't ever be a marine, not because im a woman, but because im not motivated to be a marine. and if im not motivated, then im not going to bother with it. i come from a line of strong, motivated. independent women. i've been surrounded by these women my entire life. and as such, it's made me very independent. i've been brought up with the belief that i deserve no less then a man. we're equal; i mean, sure, women have the ability to pro-create, but it would be kinda difficult without the man - right? i believe that in order to be pro-women, you don't have to be anti-man.

just some thoughts...

s-x

I remember a house like a lot of houses, a yard like a lot of yards, on a street like a lot of other streets. I remember how hard it was growing up among people and places I loved. Most of all, I remember how hard it was to leave. And the thing is, after all these years I still look back in wonder.
- The Wonder Years

Believe me, I did not want that. Cause I had a good life before you. Well, not good..but it was okay. Well...it was empty, actually, But at least I was blissfully unaware of how miserable I was. Where as now...cause of you...I `m acutely aware of how completely and totally unhappy I am. Thank you for that.
-Failure to Launch

When you look in his eyes and he`s looking back at yours, everything feels not quite normal; cause you feel stronger and weaker at the same time. You feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, you don`t know what you feel; except you know what kind of person you want to be. It`s as if you reached the unreachable and you weren`t ready for it.

You don`t need to know any of this. But the things I don`t reveal are the things I hold closest and fear losing the most. I work overtime keeping them veiled and camouflaged. You don`t need to know that I walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that I have been doing that for my entire life.
-Jill A. Davis

 i always knew the woman i wanted to be- i knew i wanted to be a woman who was independent, a woman who was in the driving seat, a woman who didn't need for the man to decide.

-         diane von Furstenberg

sometimes i feel incredibly disconnected, really uncomfortable in my own skin, or kind of like i don't fit into this world. like i was born at the wrong time and i don't belong.

-         haley james scott

Friendship isn't being inseperable, it's being seperated and knowing nothing will change.

I smiled at him, in spite of myself, and felt my feet step forward, closer. It came so naturally to put my arms around his neck, my fingers finding each other there. And just like that, we were dancing.

I am the photograph tucked away as a book-mark, in a book left half unread, once reopened to find memories crawling back into peripheral sight, faded, creased and lonely. I long to be admired, long to be held, torn and laughed at, laughed with, like a distant relative or an old friend breathing in their last breath.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Awkward moments define me. I'd sleep all day if I could. I lack the capability to keep my mouth closed. Yeah, everyone has bad days, I just have more frequent ones. If you don't like me, don't act like you do; it really won't offend me. I've made mistakes, I've let people take advantage of me, and I have accepted way less than I deserve.

 I want warm summer nights, to lie in a hammock, staring at the stars, telling you stories. I want to dip my toes in the water, to dangle my feet off the edge of the dock and sit leaning forward, looking at you, laughing. to huddle around a fire on the beach, salt water drying into my hair, reading from that book you always carry. I want to sit next to you on a log and sleep next to you in a tent. I want to wake up early and make pancakes over a fire, to wash the dishes in the river while we swim. to build sandcastles and castles-in-the-air. I want to drive home with my bare feet on the dashboard, the windows down, my hair whipped in every direction from the wind rushing through open windows. I want to hear your voice shouting the lyrics to the songs on the radio that you don’t know the words to. I want to be able to look at you and smile and not say a word. to have adventures and passion and to truly live. to truly love

Taking chances being spontaneous good natured and the thrill of not getting caught being pressed against brick buildings and back doors and the carpet on your basement floor listening to good music and creating art crying from laughing too hard.

there are just certain things in life that are better off unknown, things you wish you never asked, never saw, never heard or never even felt.

hello lovelies. my apologies for not getting back to you all sooner. im here to let you now that at least for the next month or so, im going to be on hiatus. this isnt because of a lack of comments, or because im not interested anymore. i am, but this summer im so busy, i dont have the time to continue updating. but i will be back.

until then, take care.

s-x